Happy Birthday Jay Booga!!!

Nine years ago Jaylen Marcus Harvey was born.  He was born at 9:47 pm & weighed 8lbs 10.8 oz.  He was the best baby EVER...only cried when he was hungry or tired.  He still has the sweetest personality & demeanor.  He was so excited to be able to go to school like his sissy & brother.  His first day of kindergarten I was worried that he may cry.... I was wrong.  He was over the moon & I walked to the car crying like a baby.  He just started the 4th grade this year & still LOVES school.  He was the only one of my kids that was excited to go back.  He's super smart, sometimes too smart for his own good! 

I love you more than life boogy man!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, it's almost back to school time already.  Oh the joys of shopping for school supplies for 3 children.  This summer has just seem to fly by so quickly.  The kids have kept busy with friends & water slides, Trevor has football practice & meetings with his recruiter.   Yes, his recruiter.  My son has decided that he is going into the Air Force.  So many different emotions have surfaced with his decision.  First & foremost, I am incredibly proud of him.  I am proud that he wants to plan for his future & plan a career...BUT, at the same time I am sad.  Being a good parent means preparing your children mentally, emotionally & morally to be ready to go out on their own.  So I technically knew this day was coming, somehow it got here a lot quicker than I was expecting.  I am going to put on a brave face & support his decision 100% but the day he actually leaves is going to be awful.  I wonder if that's normal?  Jordan is only 2 years younger than Trevor.  That means in 3 years I could only have 1 child in my house.  I can't even wrap my mind around that.  The thought of having a quiet house kind of freaks me out.  That's pretty ironic considering all of the years that I have broken up fights & asked them to please be quiet.  For now I've decided not to think about tomorrow & to enjoy the time that I have left with all 3 of my babies under our roof.  But, if no one has heard from me this time next year....Please make sure that I am not in my room, under the covers, crying uncontrollably.            

Summer time.....

My Baby

We have survived another school year...I now have a senior & sophomore in high school & a 4th grader.  This school year seemed to fly by, probably because I was not the one in school.  I hope that next year takes it's time so I can enjoy my sons last year.  It seems odd that this is the first week of summer & we haven't had even one super hot day yet.  Actually we've had thunder, rain, lightning & wind....ummm, it's JUNE!!!  Things have been busy around our house & I prefer them that way!  Hubby started working a night job & has been playing semi pro football for our local team the Redding Heat.

Demenn #45

Demenn & Bobby

We are still trying to figure out what's going on in the baby department but for now we are content just living life.  We're looking forward to spending days on the lake with family & friends & having BBQ's & enjoying the children we've been blessed with. 

Jaylen Marcus 3rd Grade

Happy Birthday Trevie......

This weekend my son celebrates his 17th birthday.  I cannot believe that 17 years have passed so quickly & my baby boy is 1 year away from being a 'grown man'.  I hear people say that a mothers job is never done, I hope that is true.  I hope I've done enough to prepare my son to enter this next chapter in his life but at the same time, I hope he still needs me too.  I have no doubt that he will be successful & find his way in life but I am not ready to let him go.  Trevor entered my life on Sunday May 29th, 1994 at 10:03 p.m.  He weighed 9 lbs 1 oz.  I remember a few hours after his birth, I was alone in the room & I was just staring at him.  I was in complete shock that this little person was now my responsibility.  Trevor was the BEST baby that any new mother could have asked for, the boy was always happy.  As he got older he got a little more difficult only for the fact that he was busy.  From sun up to sun down he was on the go.  If the house got quiet, he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing.  Over the past 17 yrs we've had many emergency room visits & people have joked that the child needs to be wrapped in bubble wrap & wear a helmet at all times.  Funny thing is, I still panic everytime the school calls or everytime I see him bleeding.  It has never gotten easier for me, one would think I would have become an old pro by now.  I've said before that I've learned as much from him as he's learned from me.  I truly believe that.  I think Trev entered my life at the perfect time, others didn't think so at the time, maybe I didn't think so at the time.  Without having him my life could have taken a completely different turn.  I learned responsibility, unconditional love, selflessness & compassion.  I've made many mistakes along the way but made a promise to my son to learn from them.  I am incredibly proud of who that sweet little boy has become.  I am forever thankful for the relationship that he & I share.  I feel blessed that God gave him to me & allowed me to grow with him.  I love you Trevor!  Happy birthday son!!

Spring has Sprung.....

It officially feels like spring.  With the change in seasons I have a renewed sense of hope & optimism.  Things finally feel ok.  I have a calm & peace back in my life.  Hubby started a new job & life is back on track.  With all the ups & downs (mostly downs) we have gone through these past few years, I have come to realize that even through the worst times & hardest struggles we are always together & happy in the end.  I am optimistic about our future & anxious to see where life takes us.  I have come to certain terms with the thought that we may never have a healthy, living child together but at the end of the day, I am truly blessed.  I have 3 beautiful children that I wouldn't trade for the world.  I have a husband who treats me like I am his world.  I have found love, trust & friendship in a man that I couldn't imagine living without.  I have a roof over our heads & food on our table.  I am tired of letting stress & grief rule my thoughts & take the joys from my life.  I have recently been reminded that life is too short, it can be lost in the blink of an eye.  I want to live my life & create many lasting memories for my children & myself.  What doesn't break me can only make me stronger!!!!

Copper enjoying some sun!

Happy Birthday Jordan Leigh-Who....

Where has the time gone?  15 years ago God blessed me with the cutest little bundle of Karma wrapped in a pink bow.  Jordan Leigh entered my crazy world at 5:12 p.m. on April 16, 1996.  She was 9lbs 4oz of soft, chubby squishiness.  After the first few months of her life, her independence & stubbornness continued to grow & grow.  She LOVED her big brother & wanted to do everything he did.  To be able to keep up with that miniature tornado, she began to walk at 9 months old.  She quickly learned that flashing her sweet little gapped tooth smile could get her ALMOST, whatever she wanted.  Over the years her & Trevor have either been plotting against me together or fighting as only brother & sister can do.  She slowly changed from a little tom-boy that managed to be covered head to toe in dirt, into a little girl that loved girly things.  As she entered her teen years, I could not get my mother's voice out of my head...One day you're going to have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU!!!  Even though at times her strong will, strong sense of self, sarcasm & witt can push my buttons, I am proud of my mini-me.  She is turning into a beautiful & confident young woman & I can't believe she is 15. 

Only hours old...

1st birthday

Dancing on Auntie Lynda's coffee table

2 years old

  

3 yrs, the look in her eyes says it all.

Pre-school

Happy 3rd birthday

1st grade

Happy Halloween

Kindergarten

8th grade dance

GUILT

Guilt is a horrible feeling, yet it's one that I can't escape.  The amount of guilt that I carry with me sometimes overwhelms me.  Most of it stems from my oldest son Trevor.  I am amazed at what a well rounded, loving & compassionate man he is turning into.  Trev has been by my side through good times & bad, he has given me typical teenage trouble throughout the years but is there when I need him the most.  I was young when I had him & I think I learned as much from him as he learned from me.  I would say I am most guilty from choices I made when he was young, things I allowed him to witness & things we dealt with as a family.  His birthday is approaching & my baby will be 17 & that breaks my heart.  I want a do-over. I want to turn back the hands of time & relive every moment of his childhood.  I am proud of who he has become despite all the hurdles he has jumped, yet I am not ready to let him go.  When we are younger we are told that time seems to pass more quickly as we age.  That never really made sense to me until recently.  I remember my curly blonde haired, blue eyed boy getting into as much trouble as he could.  He kept me on my toes from the moment he opened his eyes until he fell asleep at night.  Now somehow over the past few years, he has become the little man of the house.  He feels the need to protect & look out for me.  It's a strange bond or connection, that of a mother & her son.  Or maybe it's just the fact that he's my first born & he's anxious to leave the nest & prove himself as a man.  Either way, I am not ready.  So please, Father Time, I am begging you...can you slow down.  Just for the next year or so.

I love you Trevor & you make me proud to be your mom.  Please don't ever doubt that for a second.  No matter where your life may take you, I will always be here for you! 

Natural is NOT always better.....

Wow, where to begin....When I left off last I was kind of pregnant & waiting for my body to figure out what was going on.  I've had multiple D&C's & decided this time it would be best for my body to do this naturally.  I am not sure why I am so surprised that things did not go as planned.  Saturday morning I woke up to some mild bleeding & cramping, nothing out of the norm for a regular cycle.  I was actually relieved that my body would actually do this without medical intervention.  My husband was going out of town for the day for his football game.  I assured him that I was fine & sent him on his way.  I grabbed my blanket & decided I would stay on the couch & watch movies for the day.  I preferred the living room since it was closer to the bathroom & I had planned on a lazy day.  The bleeding started to pick up mid morning & by noon I started feeling a little light headed when I would get up to go to the bathroom.  Around 2 p.m. I got up & began to walk towards the bathroom, I felt a BIG gush & got very dizzy.  I made it to the bathroom & was shocked by the amount of blood.  I began to feel very nauseous & dizzy & thought I was going to throw up.  I sat down on the floor in front of the toilet knowing I needed help but had no strength to get up & get to my phone.  My oldest son Trevor (16) was in his room sleeping but I didn't want to worry him. I sat on the floor for a few minutes, maybe even seconds trying to come up with a plan.  By now I am sweating profusely & getting scared.  I managed to get up off the floor & head towards the door.  The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor behind the door, with the hamper of dirty laundry all over me.  I sat there for a while trying to piece together what had happened.  The nausea came back & I crawled back over to the toilet.  I remember feeling so hot, my hair was beginning to feel wet at my hairline & now fear has set in.  This is bad.  I pulled myself up on the counter, thought maybe some cool water would help me out.  I caught a glimpse in the mirror, it wasn't a pretty sight.  My face had no color, I mean even less than I already have...my lips looked white.  Apparently I wasn't prepared for that since the next thing I can remember is waking up half in the bath tub & half out.  I could taste blood in my mouth & when I tried to get up my body wouldn't cooperate.  My arms felt like Jello. I had no choice, I called out for my son.  I waited...he couldn't hear me.  It took everything in me but I called his name again.  He came to the door but would not open it, asked if I was ok.  All I could say was NO.  He ran to get our neighbor & he called 911.  My neighbor came over & got me off the floor & onto my couch.  I can remember being so hot & so thirsty.  A police officer is the next person I see.  He is shining a flash light in my eyes & telling me to follow the light....I thought I was.  I'm worried about Trevor & I see the fear on his face. I told him to go & call his grandma.  I figure if ANYONE can keep my son busy & talking, it's her.  Soon my living room has a lot of people in it.  The fire truck showed up, the police & now here's the ambulance.  At this point all I am thinking is about my son.  I am worried about him & upsetting him, then I see my brother is here.  Everything is now ok, he will take care of everything.  I get loaded onto the stretcher & I am so tired, no one will let me just sleep...all the stupid questions.  They are trying to find my pulse, no luck.  As soon as I get into the ambulance, they check my blood pressure & it's 74/42.  Oooh, That's not good.  Here comes the I.V., takes a little longer than usual when you can't find a vein.  The E.M.T. is talking non-stop the entire ride.  At one point I even told him that I was tired & just wanted to sleep. Glad now that he wouldn't let me.  I ended up getting an emergency D&C, so much for trying the natural  route.  The final diagnosis was  Hypovolemic Shock.  I learned my lesson the hard way, you really do need all of your blood.

I've become the poster child.....

It feels like I've become the poster child for miscarriage.  Not really a title I ever thought I would have & to be honest being a member of this club SUCKS!  If I had to try a positive about this entire journey, it would have to be all that I have learned about something that is only supposed to happen to 'other' people.  I was completely unaware of how common pregnancy loss really is & how many different cause there are.  In other blogs I have only mentioned my 2 late term losses.  In all there have been 6....yes, SIX.  After my 2 later losses I had 2 chemical pregnancies.  These are the type that get your hopes up & then within days of getting that coveted + pregnancy test it's all over.  The last 2 losses have been blighted ovums.  Now these, these are a cruel, cruel joke on behalf of mother nature.  Never in my entire life had I heard of a blighted ovum...I mean who has???  Everything seems perfect with the pregnancy, you feel crappy, hungry but nothing sounds good, boobs are KILLING you, & the mood swings are in full effect.  You know, basically all the joys of early pregnancy.  Then you go to your sonogram appointment...You are definitely pregnant with an EMPTY SAC!!!  A gestational sac forms, a placenta forms...only 1 small problem.  There is NOTHING in the sac!  What the hell is that about?!?  I guess having suffered the full gamut of losses, I would prefer losing an empty sac over a fetus anyday.  It just seems cruel.  So today I sit here 9 weeks pregnant with my empty sac.  Funny thing is that this sac could possibly continue to grow for as long as it takes my body to realize that it's empty.  Essentially I have 2 options, I can wait for my body to figure out WTH is going on or I get to go in for another D&C.  For now I wait.  I am going to post a pic of the cutest little sac I ever did see.  :)  We are going to meet with the perinatologists from UC Davis one more time & see if they can give us any sort of input.

Happy Angel Day!!!

Daddy loves you!

One year ago today I met my sweet baby boy.  I didn't get to see him for very long but it is a day I will never forget.  I will never forget all of our hopes & dreams that we had for our son.  I will never forget how his little hands and feet were so perfectly formed, or the sweet look on his face.  He looked like a little sleeping angel.  Today I am not sad & I am not angry, I am numb.  How can a year have gone by so quickly?  Technically my son should have been 7 months old this month, but we will celebrate this as his 1st birthday.  My husband & I will go alone to the river trail & release some balloons to the heavens for our son.  I will remember feeling his kicks & listening to his tiny heart beating.  I will remember seeing him at his ultra sound...he was so active.  He kicked & rolled around while sucking his thumb.  I will try & find comfort knowing that my son is with God & will never know pain.  I know he looks down on us & knows how much he is loved.  Mommy loves you Alvin~ Happy Angel Day !!!   XOXO



Getting ready to release our balloons.



On their way to heaven.