Time won't stop...not even for me!

What an incredibly emotional week for me....I thought I was doing pretty well with the crazy emotions but let's face it, August is gonna be a rough month!  August 17,2010 was the day we were anticipating, not March 13, 2010.  This week has my mind racing...with all of my pregnancies I have delivered early.  So realistically I could have been sitting in labor & delivery today or tomorrow or even yesterday.  Why do I play these games in my mind?  Why do I even allow myself to think about what "could" have been?  REALISTICALLY...None of those could have happened because my baby is gone.  I don't know when that will actually sink into my brain.  How can I still have so many dreams about a child that I only held a short time, a child whose cry I never got to hear?  Why does it still shock me that he only has 5, yes 5 pictures in his memory box???  I open the box & expect to see more but nope...still only FIVE!!!!  I am waiting for the day when I can be 'ok' with losing him.  Waiting for the feeling that there must have been a reason, maybe a lesson to be learned.  I have heard many times since his death...."God only gives us what we can handle."  Ok, so did He think I could handle 2 losses in 2 years or did He think I couldn't handle another child?  Which is it?!? 

Wow, it didn't take me long to completely abandon my blog.  Things have just been busy & crazy at times.  I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible to not let thoughts creep into my head.  If I allow myself to much down time, I have a hard time not letting my mind wander.  I have been busy with kids, work & just trying to manage my household.  I feel like I am running in circles.  Trying hard to please everyone, yet letting everyone down.  My husband & I barely speak and when we do, it ends up in an argument.  He lives in his little protective bubble afraid of what I may say (snap) at him.  Losing Alvin has caused a huge strain on our relationship.  For 2 years we were totally focused on conceiving a child.  Two years & two losses later... I am bitter!  I am angry & I am not 100% sure that I am willing to put myself in that situation again.  How do you knowingly allow that much heartache into your life?  Sure, there's a chance that all could go well.  I am not ready for the what ifs.  If I allow work & my children to consume me, I don't have to think about any of this.  I am tired, physically & emotionally. 

Bad Blood....

Yesterday the hubby & I met with the Genetic Specialists.  It was a pretty positive appointment but now I have been googling like crazy & gotten a bit of information.  The good news is that they have ruled out any genetic or compatibility issues.  They have decided that I have a condition called antiphospholipid antibody syndrome.  It is a condition that affects the immune system.  Basically while pregnant my body forms blood clots.  These clots block blood flow to the placenta which cuts off the supply to the baby & eventually causes death to the baby.  If we choose to conceive again it can be monitored & treated with either taking a childrens aspirin or heparin injections....also good news.  The crappy part...if they would have tested my blood after my first loss then my son would have been able to be carried to full term.  I have mixed emotions about our results.  I am glad to hear that it's an 'easy' fix but angry that I had to lose 2 of my babies before they figured it out.  It's hard to swallow the fact that my own body killed my son.  That he was perfectly healthy with NO defects & then his life line was blocked.  I am not sure when we will try again or when we 'should' try again.  I am guessing we will wait the standard 2-3 cycles & then try one more time.  Fingers crossed.... 3rd times the charm!!

Today was a good day....

I started my new job today, it felt really good to get out of the house & focus on something.  It has only been 3 weeks since our loss & the days seem to be getting better.  I still have my moments of grief & sadness but I am ready to see what our future brings.  Our appointment with the specialist is in 1 week & I am anxious to hear what they think.  I pray every night for the 'best case scenario', please let having a child be in the future for us....Please God!

Easter was pretty uneventful & for that I am thankful.  It was really mellow & not what I had expected.  The house is super quiet with only 1 of the 3 children at home for vacation.  Perfect timing for starting work & having to get used to waking up before the sun is up!~

Happy Easter

This Easter is going to be so low key....& I can't wait.  My little man is with his dad & my husband & I only have Trevor for this holiday.  PERFECT!!!  Since he is almost 16, that means no egg dying, no STUPID STUPID plastic grass, no chocolate foiled eggs that leaves me to find tiny pieces of foil all over my house for the next 2 weeks.  The 3 of us will go to my mom's house for Easter dinner.  Of course my brother, his wife & my niece, Tator Tot, will be there too.  We will be sure to have enough alcohol to allow me to handle the entire day.  I can handle mom in small doses while 'unmedicated'.  If it is to be an all day event, bring on the Rum & Coke.  Matter of fact, if you see the glass empty PLEASE re-fill.  Mom means well, it's just that her & I see things completely opposite.  Rather than argue with her & ruin the holiday, I prefer to be in a drunken stupor.  The only thing missing on this purely disfuntional holiday is my sister.  She lives in Washington & can't make it for Easter.  But don't worry, she'll be here this summer & we'll make up for the missed holiday with a bottle of something then!  I hope everyone has a great holiday & hope that my hangover is bearable since I start my first day of work on Monday morning!

Where is my mommy?

I am not really sure where this post will end up.  I am sitting in an empty quiet house, kids are at school, hubby working.  The silence is nice but gives me way to much time to let my brain wander.  Spring break is here, today is the last day of school until the 13th.  My youngest son will be spending time with his father, which is great for him not so great for me.  I am selfish.  I want him all to myself.  I started thinking about him a lot when I was trying to fall asleep last night (1 am this morning).  I have been in my own little world & my boy has been neglected.  I feel like a horrible mother & need to fix this.  In my adult mind I realize that it has only been 2 almost 3 weeks since we lost our little Alvin.  He is 7, 3 weeks is an eternity.  An eternity in which mommy has not been there for him.  I try, I try to do all the normal mom things.  I help with homework, I make dinner (on most nights), his laundry is done but it's the little things that are missing.  I haven't spent any time with him.  I have had little patience & lost my temper with him.  He is the sweetest little boy you could ever meet.  His positivity is something that I should learn from.  I need to be more present physically & emotionally but I can barely keep my emotions together.  At 7 he handles death much better than I do.  He asks questions that I don't really want to answer & some that I do.  I try my best.  The other day he told me that he was sad that his brother died but in the next breath asked me when we could get another baby.  For that, I had no answer.  If it were really that easy.  I want to hide in my room, under all the blankets & cry, but another part of me wants to spend as much time with my children as possible.  I don't want to look back 10 yrs from now & have regrets.  I don't want to make a negative impression on their childhoods.  You know, where they are older & talking about growing up & say "remember those WEEKS or MONTHS when all mom did was cry in her room?".  How do you mourn for the child that you lost & still parent the children that are here?  How does that work?  Do I pretend that all is well?  Or is that wrong too because then they don't learn to deal with their feelings?  Right now, I have no idea what is up & what is down.  So if someone has the magic answer then please let me know because my brain hurts & my heart hurts. 

It's my pity party & you've all been invited!!!

Today has been 'one of those' days.  Unfortunately I have found myself feeling sorry for myself & questioning everything.  Why do crappy things happen to good people?  I mean, I am a good person, right?  I have made many mistakes in my life & had a lot of heartache.  I have struggled many struggles & feel that I am a better person because of it.  Certain life experiences that once seemed like the world had ended are now laughable.  But does a pain like this ever diminish?  I am by no means expecting this to become laughable but will it fade?  If so, do I want it to fade?  I don't want to forget any detail of my brief time with my son but I do want the pain to fade.  I am at a place in my life (aside from recent events) where I am truly happy.  I have found a man that understands me & accepts me for who I am.  He loves everything about me, faults included.  We have better communication than I have ever had before & I trust him.  That's right, I TRUST HIM.  That one statement alone says a lot.  I have had issues with trust, especially men.  Thanks Dad! That's a whole other story but relevant.  The one thing missing is we want a child together.  I know that if we are never blessed with a healthy baby we will still be happy, in love & together.  It is just something that we want to experience, together.  So, that brings me to the "Why me?" or I guess the "why us?".  Why is it that we can't have what we want more than anything?  I am finding myself getting angry.  Angry at all the stories about child abuse, angry about all the "normal" people that can conceive with no effort.  Especially angry at those that don't even want babies but can still manage to get pregnant.  I have children, children that I wouldn't trade for the entire world.  I had my first 2 children when I was young.  I was not in the best place emotionally.  I made mistakes & I have regrets.  Looking back I would have done things differently.  Now, I am in a different place.  I have settled down, slowed down & am more connected with my children.  Now, my children were always taken care of, not neglected, they had their needs met but I wasn't the mother that I wanted them to have.  I want to be able to enjoy every moment of our child, I want to be able to appreciate him/her.  I am ready.  Am I asking for too much?