GUILT

Guilt is a horrible feeling, yet it's one that I can't escape.  The amount of guilt that I carry with me sometimes overwhelms me.  Most of it stems from my oldest son Trevor.  I am amazed at what a well rounded, loving & compassionate man he is turning into.  Trev has been by my side through good times & bad, he has given me typical teenage trouble throughout the years but is there when I need him the most.  I was young when I had him & I think I learned as much from him as he learned from me.  I would say I am most guilty from choices I made when he was young, things I allowed him to witness & things we dealt with as a family.  His birthday is approaching & my baby will be 17 & that breaks my heart.  I want a do-over. I want to turn back the hands of time & relive every moment of his childhood.  I am proud of who he has become despite all the hurdles he has jumped, yet I am not ready to let him go.  When we are younger we are told that time seems to pass more quickly as we age.  That never really made sense to me until recently.  I remember my curly blonde haired, blue eyed boy getting into as much trouble as he could.  He kept me on my toes from the moment he opened his eyes until he fell asleep at night.  Now somehow over the past few years, he has become the little man of the house.  He feels the need to protect & look out for me.  It's a strange bond or connection, that of a mother & her son.  Or maybe it's just the fact that he's my first born & he's anxious to leave the nest & prove himself as a man.  Either way, I am not ready.  So please, Father Time, I am begging you...can you slow down.  Just for the next year or so.

I love you Trevor & you make me proud to be your mom.  Please don't ever doubt that for a second.  No matter where your life may take you, I will always be here for you! 

Natural is NOT always better.....

Wow, where to begin....When I left off last I was kind of pregnant & waiting for my body to figure out what was going on.  I've had multiple D&C's & decided this time it would be best for my body to do this naturally.  I am not sure why I am so surprised that things did not go as planned.  Saturday morning I woke up to some mild bleeding & cramping, nothing out of the norm for a regular cycle.  I was actually relieved that my body would actually do this without medical intervention.  My husband was going out of town for the day for his football game.  I assured him that I was fine & sent him on his way.  I grabbed my blanket & decided I would stay on the couch & watch movies for the day.  I preferred the living room since it was closer to the bathroom & I had planned on a lazy day.  The bleeding started to pick up mid morning & by noon I started feeling a little light headed when I would get up to go to the bathroom.  Around 2 p.m. I got up & began to walk towards the bathroom, I felt a BIG gush & got very dizzy.  I made it to the bathroom & was shocked by the amount of blood.  I began to feel very nauseous & dizzy & thought I was going to throw up.  I sat down on the floor in front of the toilet knowing I needed help but had no strength to get up & get to my phone.  My oldest son Trevor (16) was in his room sleeping but I didn't want to worry him. I sat on the floor for a few minutes, maybe even seconds trying to come up with a plan.  By now I am sweating profusely & getting scared.  I managed to get up off the floor & head towards the door.  The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor behind the door, with the hamper of dirty laundry all over me.  I sat there for a while trying to piece together what had happened.  The nausea came back & I crawled back over to the toilet.  I remember feeling so hot, my hair was beginning to feel wet at my hairline & now fear has set in.  This is bad.  I pulled myself up on the counter, thought maybe some cool water would help me out.  I caught a glimpse in the mirror, it wasn't a pretty sight.  My face had no color, I mean even less than I already have...my lips looked white.  Apparently I wasn't prepared for that since the next thing I can remember is waking up half in the bath tub & half out.  I could taste blood in my mouth & when I tried to get up my body wouldn't cooperate.  My arms felt like Jello. I had no choice, I called out for my son.  I waited...he couldn't hear me.  It took everything in me but I called his name again.  He came to the door but would not open it, asked if I was ok.  All I could say was NO.  He ran to get our neighbor & he called 911.  My neighbor came over & got me off the floor & onto my couch.  I can remember being so hot & so thirsty.  A police officer is the next person I see.  He is shining a flash light in my eyes & telling me to follow the light....I thought I was.  I'm worried about Trevor & I see the fear on his face. I told him to go & call his grandma.  I figure if ANYONE can keep my son busy & talking, it's her.  Soon my living room has a lot of people in it.  The fire truck showed up, the police & now here's the ambulance.  At this point all I am thinking is about my son.  I am worried about him & upsetting him, then I see my brother is here.  Everything is now ok, he will take care of everything.  I get loaded onto the stretcher & I am so tired, no one will let me just sleep...all the stupid questions.  They are trying to find my pulse, no luck.  As soon as I get into the ambulance, they check my blood pressure & it's 74/42.  Oooh, That's not good.  Here comes the I.V., takes a little longer than usual when you can't find a vein.  The E.M.T. is talking non-stop the entire ride.  At one point I even told him that I was tired & just wanted to sleep. Glad now that he wouldn't let me.  I ended up getting an emergency D&C, so much for trying the natural  route.  The final diagnosis was  Hypovolemic Shock.  I learned my lesson the hard way, you really do need all of your blood.

I've become the poster child.....

It feels like I've become the poster child for miscarriage.  Not really a title I ever thought I would have & to be honest being a member of this club SUCKS!  If I had to try a positive about this entire journey, it would have to be all that I have learned about something that is only supposed to happen to 'other' people.  I was completely unaware of how common pregnancy loss really is & how many different cause there are.  In other blogs I have only mentioned my 2 late term losses.  In all there have been 6....yes, SIX.  After my 2 later losses I had 2 chemical pregnancies.  These are the type that get your hopes up & then within days of getting that coveted + pregnancy test it's all over.  The last 2 losses have been blighted ovums.  Now these, these are a cruel, cruel joke on behalf of mother nature.  Never in my entire life had I heard of a blighted ovum...I mean who has???  Everything seems perfect with the pregnancy, you feel crappy, hungry but nothing sounds good, boobs are KILLING you, & the mood swings are in full effect.  You know, basically all the joys of early pregnancy.  Then you go to your sonogram appointment...You are definitely pregnant with an EMPTY SAC!!!  A gestational sac forms, a placenta forms...only 1 small problem.  There is NOTHING in the sac!  What the hell is that about?!?  I guess having suffered the full gamut of losses, I would prefer losing an empty sac over a fetus anyday.  It just seems cruel.  So today I sit here 9 weeks pregnant with my empty sac.  Funny thing is that this sac could possibly continue to grow for as long as it takes my body to realize that it's empty.  Essentially I have 2 options, I can wait for my body to figure out WTH is going on or I get to go in for another D&C.  For now I wait.  I am going to post a pic of the cutest little sac I ever did see.  :)  We are going to meet with the perinatologists from UC Davis one more time & see if they can give us any sort of input.

Happy Angel Day!!!

Daddy loves you!

One year ago today I met my sweet baby boy.  I didn't get to see him for very long but it is a day I will never forget.  I will never forget all of our hopes & dreams that we had for our son.  I will never forget how his little hands and feet were so perfectly formed, or the sweet look on his face.  He looked like a little sleeping angel.  Today I am not sad & I am not angry, I am numb.  How can a year have gone by so quickly?  Technically my son should have been 7 months old this month, but we will celebrate this as his 1st birthday.  My husband & I will go alone to the river trail & release some balloons to the heavens for our son.  I will remember feeling his kicks & listening to his tiny heart beating.  I will remember seeing him at his ultra sound...he was so active.  He kicked & rolled around while sucking his thumb.  I will try & find comfort knowing that my son is with God & will never know pain.  I know he looks down on us & knows how much he is loved.  Mommy loves you Alvin~ Happy Angel Day !!!   XOXO



Getting ready to release our balloons.



On their way to heaven.

Time won't stop...not even for me!

What an incredibly emotional week for me....I thought I was doing pretty well with the crazy emotions but let's face it, August is gonna be a rough month!  August 17,2010 was the day we were anticipating, not March 13, 2010.  This week has my mind racing...with all of my pregnancies I have delivered early.  So realistically I could have been sitting in labor & delivery today or tomorrow or even yesterday.  Why do I play these games in my mind?  Why do I even allow myself to think about what "could" have been?  REALISTICALLY...None of those could have happened because my baby is gone.  I don't know when that will actually sink into my brain.  How can I still have so many dreams about a child that I only held a short time, a child whose cry I never got to hear?  Why does it still shock me that he only has 5, yes 5 pictures in his memory box???  I open the box & expect to see more but nope...still only FIVE!!!!  I am waiting for the day when I can be 'ok' with losing him.  Waiting for the feeling that there must have been a reason, maybe a lesson to be learned.  I have heard many times since his death...."God only gives us what we can handle."  Ok, so did He think I could handle 2 losses in 2 years or did He think I couldn't handle another child?  Which is it?!? 

Wow, it didn't take me long to completely abandon my blog.  Things have just been busy & crazy at times.  I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible to not let thoughts creep into my head.  If I allow myself to much down time, I have a hard time not letting my mind wander.  I have been busy with kids, work & just trying to manage my household.  I feel like I am running in circles.  Trying hard to please everyone, yet letting everyone down.  My husband & I barely speak and when we do, it ends up in an argument.  He lives in his little protective bubble afraid of what I may say (snap) at him.  Losing Alvin has caused a huge strain on our relationship.  For 2 years we were totally focused on conceiving a child.  Two years & two losses later... I am bitter!  I am angry & I am not 100% sure that I am willing to put myself in that situation again.  How do you knowingly allow that much heartache into your life?  Sure, there's a chance that all could go well.  I am not ready for the what ifs.  If I allow work & my children to consume me, I don't have to think about any of this.  I am tired, physically & emotionally. 

Bad Blood....

Yesterday the hubby & I met with the Genetic Specialists.  It was a pretty positive appointment but now I have been googling like crazy & gotten a bit of information.  The good news is that they have ruled out any genetic or compatibility issues.  They have decided that I have a condition called antiphospholipid antibody syndrome.  It is a condition that affects the immune system.  Basically while pregnant my body forms blood clots.  These clots block blood flow to the placenta which cuts off the supply to the baby & eventually causes death to the baby.  If we choose to conceive again it can be monitored & treated with either taking a childrens aspirin or heparin injections....also good news.  The crappy part...if they would have tested my blood after my first loss then my son would have been able to be carried to full term.  I have mixed emotions about our results.  I am glad to hear that it's an 'easy' fix but angry that I had to lose 2 of my babies before they figured it out.  It's hard to swallow the fact that my own body killed my son.  That he was perfectly healthy with NO defects & then his life line was blocked.  I am not sure when we will try again or when we 'should' try again.  I am guessing we will wait the standard 2-3 cycles & then try one more time.  Fingers crossed.... 3rd times the charm!!