Bad Blood....

Yesterday the hubby & I met with the Genetic Specialists.  It was a pretty positive appointment but now I have been googling like crazy & gotten a bit of information.  The good news is that they have ruled out any genetic or compatibility issues.  They have decided that I have a condition called antiphospholipid antibody syndrome.  It is a condition that affects the immune system.  Basically while pregnant my body forms blood clots.  These clots block blood flow to the placenta which cuts off the supply to the baby & eventually causes death to the baby.  If we choose to conceive again it can be monitored & treated with either taking a childrens aspirin or heparin injections....also good news.  The crappy part...if they would have tested my blood after my first loss then my son would have been able to be carried to full term.  I have mixed emotions about our results.  I am glad to hear that it's an 'easy' fix but angry that I had to lose 2 of my babies before they figured it out.  It's hard to swallow the fact that my own body killed my son.  That he was perfectly healthy with NO defects & then his life line was blocked.  I am not sure when we will try again or when we 'should' try again.  I am guessing we will wait the standard 2-3 cycles & then try one more time.  Fingers crossed.... 3rd times the charm!!

Today was a good day....

I started my new job today, it felt really good to get out of the house & focus on something.  It has only been 3 weeks since our loss & the days seem to be getting better.  I still have my moments of grief & sadness but I am ready to see what our future brings.  Our appointment with the specialist is in 1 week & I am anxious to hear what they think.  I pray every night for the 'best case scenario', please let having a child be in the future for us....Please God!

Easter was pretty uneventful & for that I am thankful.  It was really mellow & not what I had expected.  The house is super quiet with only 1 of the 3 children at home for vacation.  Perfect timing for starting work & having to get used to waking up before the sun is up!~

Happy Easter

This Easter is going to be so low key....& I can't wait.  My little man is with his dad & my husband & I only have Trevor for this holiday.  PERFECT!!!  Since he is almost 16, that means no egg dying, no STUPID STUPID plastic grass, no chocolate foiled eggs that leaves me to find tiny pieces of foil all over my house for the next 2 weeks.  The 3 of us will go to my mom's house for Easter dinner.  Of course my brother, his wife & my niece, Tator Tot, will be there too.  We will be sure to have enough alcohol to allow me to handle the entire day.  I can handle mom in small doses while 'unmedicated'.  If it is to be an all day event, bring on the Rum & Coke.  Matter of fact, if you see the glass empty PLEASE re-fill.  Mom means well, it's just that her & I see things completely opposite.  Rather than argue with her & ruin the holiday, I prefer to be in a drunken stupor.  The only thing missing on this purely disfuntional holiday is my sister.  She lives in Washington & can't make it for Easter.  But don't worry, she'll be here this summer & we'll make up for the missed holiday with a bottle of something then!  I hope everyone has a great holiday & hope that my hangover is bearable since I start my first day of work on Monday morning!

Where is my mommy?

I am not really sure where this post will end up.  I am sitting in an empty quiet house, kids are at school, hubby working.  The silence is nice but gives me way to much time to let my brain wander.  Spring break is here, today is the last day of school until the 13th.  My youngest son will be spending time with his father, which is great for him not so great for me.  I am selfish.  I want him all to myself.  I started thinking about him a lot when I was trying to fall asleep last night (1 am this morning).  I have been in my own little world & my boy has been neglected.  I feel like a horrible mother & need to fix this.  In my adult mind I realize that it has only been 2 almost 3 weeks since we lost our little Alvin.  He is 7, 3 weeks is an eternity.  An eternity in which mommy has not been there for him.  I try, I try to do all the normal mom things.  I help with homework, I make dinner (on most nights), his laundry is done but it's the little things that are missing.  I haven't spent any time with him.  I have had little patience & lost my temper with him.  He is the sweetest little boy you could ever meet.  His positivity is something that I should learn from.  I need to be more present physically & emotionally but I can barely keep my emotions together.  At 7 he handles death much better than I do.  He asks questions that I don't really want to answer & some that I do.  I try my best.  The other day he told me that he was sad that his brother died but in the next breath asked me when we could get another baby.  For that, I had no answer.  If it were really that easy.  I want to hide in my room, under all the blankets & cry, but another part of me wants to spend as much time with my children as possible.  I don't want to look back 10 yrs from now & have regrets.  I don't want to make a negative impression on their childhoods.  You know, where they are older & talking about growing up & say "remember those WEEKS or MONTHS when all mom did was cry in her room?".  How do you mourn for the child that you lost & still parent the children that are here?  How does that work?  Do I pretend that all is well?  Or is that wrong too because then they don't learn to deal with their feelings?  Right now, I have no idea what is up & what is down.  So if someone has the magic answer then please let me know because my brain hurts & my heart hurts.