Time won't stop...not even for me!

What an incredibly emotional week for me....I thought I was doing pretty well with the crazy emotions but let's face it, August is gonna be a rough month!  August 17,2010 was the day we were anticipating, not March 13, 2010.  This week has my mind racing...with all of my pregnancies I have delivered early.  So realistically I could have been sitting in labor & delivery today or tomorrow or even yesterday.  Why do I play these games in my mind?  Why do I even allow myself to think about what "could" have been?  REALISTICALLY...None of those could have happened because my baby is gone.  I don't know when that will actually sink into my brain.  How can I still have so many dreams about a child that I only held a short time, a child whose cry I never got to hear?  Why does it still shock me that he only has 5, yes 5 pictures in his memory box???  I open the box & expect to see more but nope...still only FIVE!!!!  I am waiting for the day when I can be 'ok' with losing him.  Waiting for the feeling that there must have been a reason, maybe a lesson to be learned.  I have heard many times since his death...."God only gives us what we can handle."  Ok, so did He think I could handle 2 losses in 2 years or did He think I couldn't handle another child?  Which is it?!? 

Wow, it didn't take me long to completely abandon my blog.  Things have just been busy & crazy at times.  I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible to not let thoughts creep into my head.  If I allow myself to much down time, I have a hard time not letting my mind wander.  I have been busy with kids, work & just trying to manage my household.  I feel like I am running in circles.  Trying hard to please everyone, yet letting everyone down.  My husband & I barely speak and when we do, it ends up in an argument.  He lives in his little protective bubble afraid of what I may say (snap) at him.  Losing Alvin has caused a huge strain on our relationship.  For 2 years we were totally focused on conceiving a child.  Two years & two losses later... I am bitter!  I am angry & I am not 100% sure that I am willing to put myself in that situation again.  How do you knowingly allow that much heartache into your life?  Sure, there's a chance that all could go well.  I am not ready for the what ifs.  If I allow work & my children to consume me, I don't have to think about any of this.  I am tired, physically & emotionally. 

Bad Blood....

Yesterday the hubby & I met with the Genetic Specialists.  It was a pretty positive appointment but now I have been googling like crazy & gotten a bit of information.  The good news is that they have ruled out any genetic or compatibility issues.  They have decided that I have a condition called antiphospholipid antibody syndrome.  It is a condition that affects the immune system.  Basically while pregnant my body forms blood clots.  These clots block blood flow to the placenta which cuts off the supply to the baby & eventually causes death to the baby.  If we choose to conceive again it can be monitored & treated with either taking a childrens aspirin or heparin injections....also good news.  The crappy part...if they would have tested my blood after my first loss then my son would have been able to be carried to full term.  I have mixed emotions about our results.  I am glad to hear that it's an 'easy' fix but angry that I had to lose 2 of my babies before they figured it out.  It's hard to swallow the fact that my own body killed my son.  That he was perfectly healthy with NO defects & then his life line was blocked.  I am not sure when we will try again or when we 'should' try again.  I am guessing we will wait the standard 2-3 cycles & then try one more time.  Fingers crossed.... 3rd times the charm!!

Today was a good day....

I started my new job today, it felt really good to get out of the house & focus on something.  It has only been 3 weeks since our loss & the days seem to be getting better.  I still have my moments of grief & sadness but I am ready to see what our future brings.  Our appointment with the specialist is in 1 week & I am anxious to hear what they think.  I pray every night for the 'best case scenario', please let having a child be in the future for us....Please God!

Easter was pretty uneventful & for that I am thankful.  It was really mellow & not what I had expected.  The house is super quiet with only 1 of the 3 children at home for vacation.  Perfect timing for starting work & having to get used to waking up before the sun is up!~

Happy Easter

This Easter is going to be so low key....& I can't wait.  My little man is with his dad & my husband & I only have Trevor for this holiday.  PERFECT!!!  Since he is almost 16, that means no egg dying, no STUPID STUPID plastic grass, no chocolate foiled eggs that leaves me to find tiny pieces of foil all over my house for the next 2 weeks.  The 3 of us will go to my mom's house for Easter dinner.  Of course my brother, his wife & my niece, Tator Tot, will be there too.  We will be sure to have enough alcohol to allow me to handle the entire day.  I can handle mom in small doses while 'unmedicated'.  If it is to be an all day event, bring on the Rum & Coke.  Matter of fact, if you see the glass empty PLEASE re-fill.  Mom means well, it's just that her & I see things completely opposite.  Rather than argue with her & ruin the holiday, I prefer to be in a drunken stupor.  The only thing missing on this purely disfuntional holiday is my sister.  She lives in Washington & can't make it for Easter.  But don't worry, she'll be here this summer & we'll make up for the missed holiday with a bottle of something then!  I hope everyone has a great holiday & hope that my hangover is bearable since I start my first day of work on Monday morning!

Where is my mommy?

I am not really sure where this post will end up.  I am sitting in an empty quiet house, kids are at school, hubby working.  The silence is nice but gives me way to much time to let my brain wander.  Spring break is here, today is the last day of school until the 13th.  My youngest son will be spending time with his father, which is great for him not so great for me.  I am selfish.  I want him all to myself.  I started thinking about him a lot when I was trying to fall asleep last night (1 am this morning).  I have been in my own little world & my boy has been neglected.  I feel like a horrible mother & need to fix this.  In my adult mind I realize that it has only been 2 almost 3 weeks since we lost our little Alvin.  He is 7, 3 weeks is an eternity.  An eternity in which mommy has not been there for him.  I try, I try to do all the normal mom things.  I help with homework, I make dinner (on most nights), his laundry is done but it's the little things that are missing.  I haven't spent any time with him.  I have had little patience & lost my temper with him.  He is the sweetest little boy you could ever meet.  His positivity is something that I should learn from.  I need to be more present physically & emotionally but I can barely keep my emotions together.  At 7 he handles death much better than I do.  He asks questions that I don't really want to answer & some that I do.  I try my best.  The other day he told me that he was sad that his brother died but in the next breath asked me when we could get another baby.  For that, I had no answer.  If it were really that easy.  I want to hide in my room, under all the blankets & cry, but another part of me wants to spend as much time with my children as possible.  I don't want to look back 10 yrs from now & have regrets.  I don't want to make a negative impression on their childhoods.  You know, where they are older & talking about growing up & say "remember those WEEKS or MONTHS when all mom did was cry in her room?".  How do you mourn for the child that you lost & still parent the children that are here?  How does that work?  Do I pretend that all is well?  Or is that wrong too because then they don't learn to deal with their feelings?  Right now, I have no idea what is up & what is down.  So if someone has the magic answer then please let me know because my brain hurts & my heart hurts. 

It's my pity party & you've all been invited!!!

Today has been 'one of those' days.  Unfortunately I have found myself feeling sorry for myself & questioning everything.  Why do crappy things happen to good people?  I mean, I am a good person, right?  I have made many mistakes in my life & had a lot of heartache.  I have struggled many struggles & feel that I am a better person because of it.  Certain life experiences that once seemed like the world had ended are now laughable.  But does a pain like this ever diminish?  I am by no means expecting this to become laughable but will it fade?  If so, do I want it to fade?  I don't want to forget any detail of my brief time with my son but I do want the pain to fade.  I am at a place in my life (aside from recent events) where I am truly happy.  I have found a man that understands me & accepts me for who I am.  He loves everything about me, faults included.  We have better communication than I have ever had before & I trust him.  That's right, I TRUST HIM.  That one statement alone says a lot.  I have had issues with trust, especially men.  Thanks Dad! That's a whole other story but relevant.  The one thing missing is we want a child together.  I know that if we are never blessed with a healthy baby we will still be happy, in love & together.  It is just something that we want to experience, together.  So, that brings me to the "Why me?" or I guess the "why us?".  Why is it that we can't have what we want more than anything?  I am finding myself getting angry.  Angry at all the stories about child abuse, angry about all the "normal" people that can conceive with no effort.  Especially angry at those that don't even want babies but can still manage to get pregnant.  I have children, children that I wouldn't trade for the entire world.  I had my first 2 children when I was young.  I was not in the best place emotionally.  I made mistakes & I have regrets.  Looking back I would have done things differently.  Now, I am in a different place.  I have settled down, slowed down & am more connected with my children.  Now, my children were always taken care of, not neglected, they had their needs met but I wasn't the mother that I wanted them to have.  I want to be able to enjoy every moment of our child, I want to be able to appreciate him/her.  I am ready.  Am I asking for too much? 

and.....we're still waiting!

So I had my 2 week check up today.  Not much to report.  I was hoping for those darn test results but no such luck.  Dr. called the lab & they said it could take weeks to get them back, since it has already been 2 weeks I am assuming they meant WEEEEKS!!  Patience is not one of my strong points.  I did find out that I have lost 10lbs in the past 2 weeks.  I was really happy with that number, my dr.....not so much.  Let's face it, I am not going to wither away.  I can spare 10lbs, I can spare MORE than 10 lbs.  I asked about getting on birth control.  That conversation did not go as I had planned.  She seemed very opposed to my request, of course ultimately I won that fight.  I am plenty old enough to decide if I would like to prevent a pregnancy, especially a pregnancy that may not have a great outcome.   I thought it made absolute sense to get on BC until we hear back about all of these test results.  She had every reason under the sun about why I should just wait it out....whatever.  I will admit that after trying for 2 years to have a baby it seems strange to be starting the pill. 


On a different note, I will be starting a job this week.  Not exactly where I imagined I would start working but I really need to get out of this house.  It also helps that my best friend will be my boss, so all in all it's a win-win situation.  I will actually have to wake up & shower, leave the house & interact with people....LOTS of people.  I am looking forward to the people part just not the wake up early part.  And I can't lie, a paycheck sure sounds nice right about now!

She's gonna blow......

I could feel it festering for the past few days...I just wasn't prepared for the meltdown.  I have been bottling my emotions which is unhealthy I know!  I have found myself on the verge of tears several times per day but too stubborn to let them flow.  I have barricaded myself in my bedroom on my laptop for days on end reading blogs of other peoples losses.  Trying not to feel alone, all the while isolating myself from the 'real' world.  Today's meltdown pissed me off.  Not because I finally broke down but just because of the circumstances in general. 

Today is Sunday, the day that my daughters father picks up Jordan.  He called to say that he was on his way...she wasn't here.  We allowed her to spend the night with her step-sister.  (Husbands daughter)  He was irritated but I really didn't care.  He said to call him when she was on her way home.  I went to get her...On my way to pick her up I decided to call him & let him know we would be home shortly.  Now his attitude struck a nerve.  The anger & emotion in all honesty should not have been directed at him but SO WHAT!!  He said something about "we ruined his plans & so now he would just get her tomorrow".  That one statement sent me over the edge, never mind the fact that I was BARELY clinging to the edge because that is not the point!!!  I immediately burst into tears & said some not so nice things.  How dare he say that I ruined his plans... I had plans of my own buddy.  It's none of his business that those plans included hibernating in my room in pajamas.  But now I am in my car, dressed in some funky old overalls, with tears streaming down my face.

I am not really mad at what he said, I am more mad that my emotional outburst was directed at him.  He said nothing to make me feel better, actually he didn't say much at all.  I am completely aware that it wasn't his job to comfort me.  That total loss of control should have been directed at my husband.  He would have known exactly what to say & would have accepted all responsibility/accountability for my emotions, because as he has often reminded me... he has broad shoulders & can handle it!!!

Still waiting....

My dr's office called yesterday afternoon.  They called to let me know that they have still not received the results of our son's tissue sample.  I am not sure what is taking so long...they are only looking for chromosomal defects.  Now I find myself questioning whether an autopsy may have been the best choice.  When I was given that option, immediately after delivery, I couldn't do it.  Just the thought of someone cutting him was enough for me.  Today it has been 2 weeks since his birth.  It feels like I have been waiting for test results forever, yet it seems like he was just in my arms yesterday.  I know it sounds irrational & maybe it is but I want to know what our next step is.  I will be turning 35 at the end of this year & I feel like it's now or never.  If we choose to try again, I would like it to happen sooner rather than later.


More than that, I want to be pregnant again.  I want to watch my body change & feel those little kicks & movements.  In less than 2 weeks time my body is back to normal, no more baby belly, no more pregnant boobs.  I wish I could go back in time, where pregnancy was fun & there was no stress.  Where miscarriages were sad but they happened to other people.  Back to when I was naive about all of the complications that pregnancy could bring.  I want to experience the joy of bringing a new life into this world.  If I ever am able to conceive again, when will I be able to relax & enjoy being pregnant?  A number of people have given me the 'Gods Will' speech.  The one where apparently God didn't feel it was our time to have a child or He knew what was best for us.  That in His time we will be blessed.  I believe in God, I believe He has a plan...but comments like those confuse me.  They make my head hurt.  Why would God give me 2 babies that were wanted, planned & loved only to take them away from me.  I am struggling to find the meaning in that or what I was supposed to learn from that.  Instead I find myself angry.  Angry at first with God, wrong I know, then with my dr.  After hours of internet surfing I acknowledge that this is all part of the grief process.  Still doesn't make it fun.  My other personal favorite, "Everything happens for a reason".  Well, before I am completely insane can someone please help me to find that reason??


I realize that it is hard for some people to know what to say.  It seems to be such a taboo subject.  I mean really, who wants to think about a dead baby.  I don't.  Even I find myself having a hard time knowing what to say.  When I hear the "I'm so sorry", I always say "It's Ok".  Who am I kidding?  It is SOOO not OK.   In my head so many thoughts start swirling around but I never say what I am really thinking.  I hate seeing the look on peoples faces, it's either pity or a total look of being UBER uncomfortable.  I guess that's part of the reason why I am here.  I don't have to look at anyone.  Trust me, it's not just friends either.  My own husband seems different.  I think for him it is easier to not speak about our son or his death.  Maybe that is his way of healing, maybe he is trying to be strong for me.


I think about him daily.  I don't ever want to forget.  Even though I only carried him for 17 weeks & spent a small amount of time with him after his birth, I miss him horribly.  I guess maybe I miss what could have been.  I should be 19 almost 20 weeks pregnant right now.  I would have known that he was a boy by now & should be shopping for all the little boy things.  Instead I spend most of my days in my bedroom with the door shut looking at his memory box & the few pictures that I have.  I can't escape the loss, the sadness.  Even when I sleep.  I have a reoccurring dream, almost nightly.  In my dream I can hear him crying, I get up to get him from his bassinette & he isn't there.  I go to his crib & it's empty too.  Yet I can hear him crying.  No matter where I look he isn't there.  Ironic considering I never got to hear him cry. 

long beach doctor ratings

No news is good news...or just enough to drive me crazy!!!

So it has been 12 days since we lost Alvin.  I have been waiting so patiently (not so much) for THE phone call from the doctors office with the results of the testing of his tissues.  They told me 7-10 days....it has been 12.  I know that they are busy & I know that they probably meant 'business days' but I have still managed to call once per day since Monday.  I have a follow-up appointment next Monday & logically I know that I should just wait until then.  It is so hard to explain... I don't really want to know his diagnosis but I want this to all be over with.  I don't like having all of the answers hanging just out of reach.  I need answers for closure more than I really want to know.  I am, however anxious for my Genetic counseling & blood work for my husband & myself.  I am such a planner, such a predictable person.  I don't like surprises or the 'unknown'.  I have to have all of the pieces to this puzzle or I will never fully be able to move forward.  I think that has a lot to do with my emotions after our first loss.  There were no answers, we were told it was just 'bad luck' & more common than we were aware of.  Answers like that don't work for me.  So for now, we wait....When I know more I will update!

Time heals all wounds.....Part 2

I have to say that recovery was horrible. My physical pain & state of mind seemed to overshadow the loss we had both just experienced. I was lying on the small gurney & tried to wake up. I repeatedly asked for my husband completely unaware that he was there beside me. My throat was burning & I could not stop coughing. I later found out that I had aspirated in the O.R. & had to be intibated. My next memory is being back in our hospital room. I could barely keep my eyes open or form a complete sentence. I felt like I had never felt before. The nurse came in and told me that I wouldn't feel better until I received my blood transfusion. WHAT??? We had no idea that I lost so much blood. As they were setting up my I.V. my dr. came in & told us that I had lost 25% of my blood volume. Apparently, the placenta did not detach from my uterus & I started to hemorrhage. It all happened so quickly, neither one of us was fully aware. I received 2 units of blood that morning.


The nurse brought me a small memory box. She told me that when I was feeling better I should look through the box. She placed it on the table next to my bed. Who was she kidding? As soon as she left the room I grabbed it. Inside I found a crib card with my sons measurements & tiny foot prints, 7.08 inches & 5 o.z. She had also take 2 pictures of him wrapped in a blue blanket. I stared at these pictures for a long time. He looked like a sleeping newborn, just way too small. The emotions I felt were so different than before. I had yet to shed a single tear. He was born & he was perfect....he was our son. Part of me felt the same pride any new mother feels. I loved him no different than his siblings. Also in our box were several poems & keepsakes. We decided that he would be cremated & these mementos would be placed with his urn on his dresser. Our son was born on my brothers 30Th birthday & one day before our 1 year wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating our anniversary with family & friends we came home & tried to process what had taken place.


Over the next few days the tears finally came. I had & still have so many questions as to what went wrong. We had a tissue sample of our son sent for some testing but haven't gotten any results. We have also scheduled an appointment with a Genetic Counselor on April 12, 2010. They will take blood from both of us & see if maybe we have a compatibility issue. I don't know for sure if we will try again but I need to know what happened. Again, my husband is ready to move forward & try for again. When we found out we were expecting I asked my dr. about the odds of losing another baby. Her response..."It would be like lightning striking twice."

R.I.P Alvin Spade

03/13/2010

Time heals all wounds.....Part 1

So even though I said I would NEVER have a blog...here I am. I was looking for some way to deal with all that life has thrown my way. Let me start in the beginning...In November of 2007 I reunited with an old flame, my current husband. We had first 'met' in the summer of 1999 & had lost contact over the years. We spent hours on the phone & everything picked up right where we had left off years ago. We found out we were expecting a child in September 2008. Everything seemed to be perfect! The pregnancy was going well, or so we thought.

On December 15, our world came crashing down. My husband & 14yr old son came with me to my first sonogram appointment. I was 18 weeks & 4 days, we were all so excited to see if we would be having a little boy or girl. Instead I was told that my baby had passed away. I was devastated but nothing prepared me for the reaction that came from my husband. Somehow it was someone's fault that our baby had died. His first choice was to blame me.

Early the next morning I was admitted into the hospital for a D&C. It was horrible, not too bad physically but the emotional pain was more than I thought I would ever be able to deal with. That afternoon I left the hospital empty handed. I didn't even have a sonogram picture, it was as though my baby never existed. I wanted to crawl into a ball & just cry but I didn't have that option. I still had children at home that needed their mother & it was Christmas time. So rather than allow myself to grieve or mourn the loss of my sweet angel, I put on my 'happy face' & celebrated the holiday as though nothing had happened. Over the next few weeks (months) I would cry in private, when I would take a bath or take a drive alone in my car. My husband wanted to try again right away, I was scared. I wanted to have another child so badly but I was still hurting. I was crushed month after month when the pregnancy tests all came back negative. On December 4 2009 I finally got a positive test. I could not believe my eyes!!! I called my dr. right away & they got me an appointment the following week.
 I loved the look in my husbands eyes, he was SO happy. He went to my appointments with me & was very involved in my pregnancy. I was not as excited. I found myself having a very hard time getting attached to my baby. I spoke to a counselor at my O.B. office & she helped a lot. The following week we were scheduled for the N.T. scan. This is basically a pre-screening for genetic defect & other issues. After seeing my baby on the monitor it was impossible not to love this baby. It was a huge day for both myself & my husband. Our little one was so active & we could see everything so clearly. We left with 2 pics of our little one & HUGE smiles on our faces. A week later my dr. called & said the results weren't the best but not to worry. That made absolutely NO sense to me....don't worry??? I was scheduled for the second phase of testing, the A.F.P. blood screen. Again a week later, I got the phone call....test results came back 1 in 3 chance of our baby having Down Syndrome. I don't remember much of what else was said during that phone call other than we would have an amnio done on March 22, 2010. After the initial melt down I started googling. I wanted to know everything that I could about down syndrome & prepare myself. I began to wrap my brain around having a child with special needs. My husband & I had several long talks & realized that no matter what was 'wrong' with our baby we would love him or her none the less.


On Thursday March 11 I woke up & knew something wasn't right. My belly seemed empty & I tried to find my little one's heart beat...nothing. I called my dr's office & they told me to make sure that I was hydrated & try to rest. I took a bath, ate some lunch & took a nap. When I woke up I tried to find the heart beat again. I already knew but I called my dr again anyway. They told me to go to the emergency room. I was there for over 5 hours, they did a sonogram & confirmed the worst possible news again....the baby had passed. This time I was 17 weeks & 5 days. The next morning I went to the dr & discussed what would happen next. Friday afternoon I was admitted into the hospital & labor was induced. I would deliver my sweet baby.


The induction started at 2 p.m., not too bad at first. By 10 p.m. I was having contraction one on top of another. I finally asked for some pain medication. I really tried not to take any medication, I wanted to be coherent when my baby was born. I wanted to be aware & remember but the pain was too much for me. At 2:52 a.m. on March 13, 2010 I delivered our son. The nurse had his tiny lifeless body in her hands & asked if we wanted to see him. I knew that I needed to see him, I looked to my husband to see his response. He was not prepared & the look on his face broke my heart. He looked broken & empty, I asked him to leave the room. The nurse handed me my baby boy & he was perfect. I looked him over from head to toe, looking for something to be wrong. I waited for him to cry or to move...i begged him to move. Why had God taken another baby from us? I knew it was wrong but that was all I could think. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my sweet baby, I wanted to lock his face into my memory forever.


I started to feel dizzy & tired so I called the nurse back into my room. She checked me & told me that I was bleeding very badly & needed to have a D&C. She took my son & wrapped him in a blanket as I was being taken out of the room. What I remember next is waking up in the recovery room & asking for my husband.