Time won't stop...not even for me!

What an incredibly emotional week for me....I thought I was doing pretty well with the crazy emotions but let's face it, August is gonna be a rough month!  August 17,2010 was the day we were anticipating, not March 13, 2010.  This week has my mind racing...with all of my pregnancies I have delivered early.  So realistically I could have been sitting in labor & delivery today or tomorrow or even yesterday.  Why do I play these games in my mind?  Why do I even allow myself to think about what "could" have been?  REALISTICALLY...None of those could have happened because my baby is gone.  I don't know when that will actually sink into my brain.  How can I still have so many dreams about a child that I only held a short time, a child whose cry I never got to hear?  Why does it still shock me that he only has 5, yes 5 pictures in his memory box???  I open the box & expect to see more but nope...still only FIVE!!!!  I am waiting for the day when I can be 'ok' with losing him.  Waiting for the feeling that there must have been a reason, maybe a lesson to be learned.  I have heard many times since his death...."God only gives us what we can handle."  Ok, so did He think I could handle 2 losses in 2 years or did He think I couldn't handle another child?  Which is it?!?