Wow, it didn't take me long to completely abandon my blog.  Things have just been busy & crazy at times.  I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible to not let thoughts creep into my head.  If I allow myself to much down time, I have a hard time not letting my mind wander.  I have been busy with kids, work & just trying to manage my household.  I feel like I am running in circles.  Trying hard to please everyone, yet letting everyone down.  My husband & I barely speak and when we do, it ends up in an argument.  He lives in his little protective bubble afraid of what I may say (snap) at him.  Losing Alvin has caused a huge strain on our relationship.  For 2 years we were totally focused on conceiving a child.  Two years & two losses later... I am bitter!  I am angry & I am not 100% sure that I am willing to put myself in that situation again.  How do you knowingly allow that much heartache into your life?  Sure, there's a chance that all could go well.  I am not ready for the what ifs.  If I allow work & my children to consume me, I don't have to think about any of this.  I am tired, physically & emotionally.