I've become the poster child.....

It feels like I've become the poster child for miscarriage.  Not really a title I ever thought I would have & to be honest being a member of this club SUCKS!  If I had to try a positive about this entire journey, it would have to be all that I have learned about something that is only supposed to happen to 'other' people.  I was completely unaware of how common pregnancy loss really is & how many different cause there are.  In other blogs I have only mentioned my 2 late term losses.  In all there have been 6....yes, SIX.  After my 2 later losses I had 2 chemical pregnancies.  These are the type that get your hopes up & then within days of getting that coveted + pregnancy test it's all over.  The last 2 losses have been blighted ovums.  Now these, these are a cruel, cruel joke on behalf of mother nature.  Never in my entire life had I heard of a blighted ovum...I mean who has???  Everything seems perfect with the pregnancy, you feel crappy, hungry but nothing sounds good, boobs are KILLING you, & the mood swings are in full effect.  You know, basically all the joys of early pregnancy.  Then you go to your sonogram appointment...You are definitely pregnant with an EMPTY SAC!!!  A gestational sac forms, a placenta forms...only 1 small problem.  There is NOTHING in the sac!  What the hell is that about?!?  I guess having suffered the full gamut of losses, I would prefer losing an empty sac over a fetus anyday.  It just seems cruel.  So today I sit here 9 weeks pregnant with my empty sac.  Funny thing is that this sac could possibly continue to grow for as long as it takes my body to realize that it's empty.  Essentially I have 2 options, I can wait for my body to figure out WTH is going on or I get to go in for another D&C.  For now I wait.  I am going to post a pic of the cutest little sac I ever did see.  :)  We are going to meet with the perinatologists from UC Davis one more time & see if they can give us any sort of input.

Happy Angel Day!!!

Daddy loves you!

One year ago today I met my sweet baby boy.  I didn't get to see him for very long but it is a day I will never forget.  I will never forget all of our hopes & dreams that we had for our son.  I will never forget how his little hands and feet were so perfectly formed, or the sweet look on his face.  He looked like a little sleeping angel.  Today I am not sad & I am not angry, I am numb.  How can a year have gone by so quickly?  Technically my son should have been 7 months old this month, but we will celebrate this as his 1st birthday.  My husband & I will go alone to the river trail & release some balloons to the heavens for our son.  I will remember feeling his kicks & listening to his tiny heart beating.  I will remember seeing him at his ultra sound...he was so active.  He kicked & rolled around while sucking his thumb.  I will try & find comfort knowing that my son is with God & will never know pain.  I know he looks down on us & knows how much he is loved.  Mommy loves you Alvin~ Happy Angel Day !!!   XOXO



Getting ready to release our balloons.



On their way to heaven.