Happy Birthday Jordan Leigh-Who....

Where has the time gone?  15 years ago God blessed me with the cutest little bundle of Karma wrapped in a pink bow.  Jordan Leigh entered my crazy world at 5:12 p.m. on April 16, 1996.  She was 9lbs 4oz of soft, chubby squishiness.  After the first few months of her life, her independence & stubbornness continued to grow & grow.  She LOVED her big brother & wanted to do everything he did.  To be able to keep up with that miniature tornado, she began to walk at 9 months old.  She quickly learned that flashing her sweet little gapped tooth smile could get her ALMOST, whatever she wanted.  Over the years her & Trevor have either been plotting against me together or fighting as only brother & sister can do.  She slowly changed from a little tom-boy that managed to be covered head to toe in dirt, into a little girl that loved girly things.  As she entered her teen years, I could not get my mother's voice out of my head...One day you're going to have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU!!!  Even though at times her strong will, strong sense of self, sarcasm & witt can push my buttons, I am proud of my mini-me.  She is turning into a beautiful & confident young woman & I can't believe she is 15. 

Only hours old...

1st birthday

Dancing on Auntie Lynda's coffee table

2 years old

  

3 yrs, the look in her eyes says it all.

Pre-school

Happy 3rd birthday

1st grade

Happy Halloween

Kindergarten

8th grade dance

GUILT

Guilt is a horrible feeling, yet it's one that I can't escape.  The amount of guilt that I carry with me sometimes overwhelms me.  Most of it stems from my oldest son Trevor.  I am amazed at what a well rounded, loving & compassionate man he is turning into.  Trev has been by my side through good times & bad, he has given me typical teenage trouble throughout the years but is there when I need him the most.  I was young when I had him & I think I learned as much from him as he learned from me.  I would say I am most guilty from choices I made when he was young, things I allowed him to witness & things we dealt with as a family.  His birthday is approaching & my baby will be 17 & that breaks my heart.  I want a do-over. I want to turn back the hands of time & relive every moment of his childhood.  I am proud of who he has become despite all the hurdles he has jumped, yet I am not ready to let him go.  When we are younger we are told that time seems to pass more quickly as we age.  That never really made sense to me until recently.  I remember my curly blonde haired, blue eyed boy getting into as much trouble as he could.  He kept me on my toes from the moment he opened his eyes until he fell asleep at night.  Now somehow over the past few years, he has become the little man of the house.  He feels the need to protect & look out for me.  It's a strange bond or connection, that of a mother & her son.  Or maybe it's just the fact that he's my first born & he's anxious to leave the nest & prove himself as a man.  Either way, I am not ready.  So please, Father Time, I am begging you...can you slow down.  Just for the next year or so.

I love you Trevor & you make me proud to be your mom.  Please don't ever doubt that for a second.  No matter where your life may take you, I will always be here for you! 

Natural is NOT always better.....

Wow, where to begin....When I left off last I was kind of pregnant & waiting for my body to figure out what was going on.  I've had multiple D&C's & decided this time it would be best for my body to do this naturally.  I am not sure why I am so surprised that things did not go as planned.  Saturday morning I woke up to some mild bleeding & cramping, nothing out of the norm for a regular cycle.  I was actually relieved that my body would actually do this without medical intervention.  My husband was going out of town for the day for his football game.  I assured him that I was fine & sent him on his way.  I grabbed my blanket & decided I would stay on the couch & watch movies for the day.  I preferred the living room since it was closer to the bathroom & I had planned on a lazy day.  The bleeding started to pick up mid morning & by noon I started feeling a little light headed when I would get up to go to the bathroom.  Around 2 p.m. I got up & began to walk towards the bathroom, I felt a BIG gush & got very dizzy.  I made it to the bathroom & was shocked by the amount of blood.  I began to feel very nauseous & dizzy & thought I was going to throw up.  I sat down on the floor in front of the toilet knowing I needed help but had no strength to get up & get to my phone.  My oldest son Trevor (16) was in his room sleeping but I didn't want to worry him. I sat on the floor for a few minutes, maybe even seconds trying to come up with a plan.  By now I am sweating profusely & getting scared.  I managed to get up off the floor & head towards the door.  The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor behind the door, with the hamper of dirty laundry all over me.  I sat there for a while trying to piece together what had happened.  The nausea came back & I crawled back over to the toilet.  I remember feeling so hot, my hair was beginning to feel wet at my hairline & now fear has set in.  This is bad.  I pulled myself up on the counter, thought maybe some cool water would help me out.  I caught a glimpse in the mirror, it wasn't a pretty sight.  My face had no color, I mean even less than I already have...my lips looked white.  Apparently I wasn't prepared for that since the next thing I can remember is waking up half in the bath tub & half out.  I could taste blood in my mouth & when I tried to get up my body wouldn't cooperate.  My arms felt like Jello. I had no choice, I called out for my son.  I waited...he couldn't hear me.  It took everything in me but I called his name again.  He came to the door but would not open it, asked if I was ok.  All I could say was NO.  He ran to get our neighbor & he called 911.  My neighbor came over & got me off the floor & onto my couch.  I can remember being so hot & so thirsty.  A police officer is the next person I see.  He is shining a flash light in my eyes & telling me to follow the light....I thought I was.  I'm worried about Trevor & I see the fear on his face. I told him to go & call his grandma.  I figure if ANYONE can keep my son busy & talking, it's her.  Soon my living room has a lot of people in it.  The fire truck showed up, the police & now here's the ambulance.  At this point all I am thinking is about my son.  I am worried about him & upsetting him, then I see my brother is here.  Everything is now ok, he will take care of everything.  I get loaded onto the stretcher & I am so tired, no one will let me just sleep...all the stupid questions.  They are trying to find my pulse, no luck.  As soon as I get into the ambulance, they check my blood pressure & it's 74/42.  Oooh, That's not good.  Here comes the I.V., takes a little longer than usual when you can't find a vein.  The E.M.T. is talking non-stop the entire ride.  At one point I even told him that I was tired & just wanted to sleep. Glad now that he wouldn't let me.  I ended up getting an emergency D&C, so much for trying the natural  route.  The final diagnosis was  Hypovolemic Shock.  I learned my lesson the hard way, you really do need all of your blood.