GUILT

Guilt is a horrible feeling, yet it's one that I can't escape.  The amount of guilt that I carry with me sometimes overwhelms me.  Most of it stems from my oldest son Trevor.  I am amazed at what a well rounded, loving & compassionate man he is turning into.  Trev has been by my side through good times & bad, he has given me typical teenage trouble throughout the years but is there when I need him the most.  I was young when I had him & I think I learned as much from him as he learned from me.  I would say I am most guilty from choices I made when he was young, things I allowed him to witness & things we dealt with as a family.  His birthday is approaching & my baby will be 17 & that breaks my heart.  I want a do-over. I want to turn back the hands of time & relive every moment of his childhood.  I am proud of who he has become despite all the hurdles he has jumped, yet I am not ready to let him go.  When we are younger we are told that time seems to pass more quickly as we age.  That never really made sense to me until recently.  I remember my curly blonde haired, blue eyed boy getting into as much trouble as he could.  He kept me on my toes from the moment he opened his eyes until he fell asleep at night.  Now somehow over the past few years, he has become the little man of the house.  He feels the need to protect & look out for me.  It's a strange bond or connection, that of a mother & her son.  Or maybe it's just the fact that he's my first born & he's anxious to leave the nest & prove himself as a man.  Either way, I am not ready.  So please, Father Time, I am begging you...can you slow down.  Just for the next year or so.

I love you Trevor & you make me proud to be your mom.  Please don't ever doubt that for a second.  No matter where your life may take you, I will always be here for you!