Still waiting....

My dr's office called yesterday afternoon.  They called to let me know that they have still not received the results of our son's tissue sample.  I am not sure what is taking so long...they are only looking for chromosomal defects.  Now I find myself questioning whether an autopsy may have been the best choice.  When I was given that option, immediately after delivery, I couldn't do it.  Just the thought of someone cutting him was enough for me.  Today it has been 2 weeks since his birth.  It feels like I have been waiting for test results forever, yet it seems like he was just in my arms yesterday.  I know it sounds irrational & maybe it is but I want to know what our next step is.  I will be turning 35 at the end of this year & I feel like it's now or never.  If we choose to try again, I would like it to happen sooner rather than later.


More than that, I want to be pregnant again.  I want to watch my body change & feel those little kicks & movements.  In less than 2 weeks time my body is back to normal, no more baby belly, no more pregnant boobs.  I wish I could go back in time, where pregnancy was fun & there was no stress.  Where miscarriages were sad but they happened to other people.  Back to when I was naive about all of the complications that pregnancy could bring.  I want to experience the joy of bringing a new life into this world.  If I ever am able to conceive again, when will I be able to relax & enjoy being pregnant?  A number of people have given me the 'Gods Will' speech.  The one where apparently God didn't feel it was our time to have a child or He knew what was best for us.  That in His time we will be blessed.  I believe in God, I believe He has a plan...but comments like those confuse me.  They make my head hurt.  Why would God give me 2 babies that were wanted, planned & loved only to take them away from me.  I am struggling to find the meaning in that or what I was supposed to learn from that.  Instead I find myself angry.  Angry at first with God, wrong I know, then with my dr.  After hours of internet surfing I acknowledge that this is all part of the grief process.  Still doesn't make it fun.  My other personal favorite, "Everything happens for a reason".  Well, before I am completely insane can someone please help me to find that reason??


I realize that it is hard for some people to know what to say.  It seems to be such a taboo subject.  I mean really, who wants to think about a dead baby.  I don't.  Even I find myself having a hard time knowing what to say.  When I hear the "I'm so sorry", I always say "It's Ok".  Who am I kidding?  It is SOOO not OK.   In my head so many thoughts start swirling around but I never say what I am really thinking.  I hate seeing the look on peoples faces, it's either pity or a total look of being UBER uncomfortable.  I guess that's part of the reason why I am here.  I don't have to look at anyone.  Trust me, it's not just friends either.  My own husband seems different.  I think for him it is easier to not speak about our son or his death.  Maybe that is his way of healing, maybe he is trying to be strong for me.


I think about him daily.  I don't ever want to forget.  Even though I only carried him for 17 weeks & spent a small amount of time with him after his birth, I miss him horribly.  I guess maybe I miss what could have been.  I should be 19 almost 20 weeks pregnant right now.  I would have known that he was a boy by now & should be shopping for all the little boy things.  Instead I spend most of my days in my bedroom with the door shut looking at his memory box & the few pictures that I have.  I can't escape the loss, the sadness.  Even when I sleep.  I have a reoccurring dream, almost nightly.  In my dream I can hear him crying, I get up to get him from his bassinette & he isn't there.  I go to his crib & it's empty too.  Yet I can hear him crying.  No matter where I look he isn't there.  Ironic considering I never got to hear him cry. 

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