So even though I said I would NEVER have a blog...here I am. I was looking for some way to deal with all that life has thrown my way. Let me start in the beginning...In November of 2007 I reunited with an old flame, my current husband. We had first 'met' in the summer of 1999 & had lost contact over the years. We spent hours on the phone & everything picked up right where we had left off years ago. We found out we were expecting a child in September 2008. Everything seemed to be perfect! The pregnancy was going well, or so we thought.
On December 15, our world came crashing down. My husband & 14yr old son came with me to my first sonogram appointment. I was 18 weeks & 4 days, we were all so excited to see if we would be having a little boy or girl. Instead I was told that my baby had passed away. I was devastated but nothing prepared me for the reaction that came from my husband. Somehow it was someone's fault that our baby had died. His first choice was to blame me.
Early the next morning I was admitted into the hospital for a D&C. It was horrible, not too bad physically but the emotional pain was more than I thought I would ever be able to deal with. That afternoon I left the hospital empty handed. I didn't even have a sonogram picture, it was as though my baby never existed. I wanted to crawl into a ball & just cry but I didn't have that option. I still had children at home that needed their mother & it was Christmas time. So rather than allow myself to grieve or mourn the loss of my sweet angel, I put on my 'happy face' & celebrated the holiday as though nothing had happened. Over the next few weeks (months) I would cry in private, when I would take a bath or take a drive alone in my car. My husband wanted to try again right away, I was scared. I wanted to have another child so badly but I was still hurting. I was crushed month after month when the pregnancy tests all came back negative. On December 4 2009 I finally got a positive test. I could not believe my eyes!!! I called my dr. right away & they got me an appointment the following week.
I loved the look in my husbands eyes, he was SO happy. He went to my appointments with me & was very involved in my pregnancy. I was not as excited. I found myself having a very hard time getting attached to my baby. I spoke to a counselor at my O.B. office & she helped a lot. The following week we were scheduled for the N.T. scan. This is basically a pre-screening for genetic defect & other issues. After seeing my baby on the monitor it was impossible not to love this baby. It was a huge day for both myself & my husband. Our little one was so active & we could see everything so clearly. We left with 2 pics of our little one & HUGE smiles on our faces. A week later my dr. called & said the results weren't the best but not to worry. That made absolutely NO sense to me....don't worry??? I was scheduled for the second phase of testing, the A.F.P. blood screen. Again a week later, I got the phone call....test results came back 1 in 3 chance of our baby having Down Syndrome. I don't remember much of what else was said during that phone call other than we would have an amnio done on March 22, 2010. After the initial melt down I started googling. I wanted to know everything that I could about down syndrome & prepare myself. I began to wrap my brain around having a child with special needs. My husband & I had several long talks & realized that no matter what was 'wrong' with our baby we would love him or her none the less.
On Thursday March 11 I woke up & knew something wasn't right. My belly seemed empty & I tried to find my little one's heart beat...nothing. I called my dr's office & they told me to make sure that I was hydrated & try to rest. I took a bath, ate some lunch & took a nap. When I woke up I tried to find the heart beat again. I already knew but I called my dr again anyway. They told me to go to the emergency room. I was there for over 5 hours, they did a sonogram & confirmed the worst possible news again....the baby had passed. This time I was 17 weeks & 5 days. The next morning I went to the dr & discussed what would happen next. Friday afternoon I was admitted into the hospital & labor was induced. I would deliver my sweet baby.
The induction started at 2 p.m., not too bad at first. By 10 p.m. I was having contraction one on top of another. I finally asked for some pain medication. I really tried not to take any medication, I wanted to be coherent when my baby was born. I wanted to be aware & remember but the pain was too much for me. At 2:52 a.m. on March 13, 2010 I delivered our son. The nurse had his tiny lifeless body in her hands & asked if we wanted to see him. I knew that I needed to see him, I looked to my husband to see his response. He was not prepared & the look on his face broke my heart. He looked broken & empty, I asked him to leave the room. The nurse handed me my baby boy & he was perfect. I looked him over from head to toe, looking for something to be wrong. I waited for him to cry or to move...i begged him to move. Why had God taken another baby from us? I knew it was wrong but that was all I could think. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my sweet baby, I wanted to lock his face into my memory forever.
I started to feel dizzy & tired so I called the nurse back into my room. She checked me & told me that I was bleeding very badly & needed to have a D&C. She took my son & wrapped him in a blanket as I was being taken out of the room. What I remember next is waking up in the recovery room & asking for my husband.
No comments:
Post a Comment